So that’s basically how I felt after I popped out my first kid nearly seven years ago. I had a forceps delivery with a third degree tear. Of course at the time I had no idea. I thought the resident just REALLY enjoyed perineal needle point. I did know this: things “down there” were NOT THE SAME.
I remember coming home from the hospital clutching four pieces of paper the nurses had given me: one a picture of the perfect breastfeeding latch (like that ever happened!), another on how to count the baby’s pees and poos, a list of emergency phone numbers and a reminder to sign up for baby massage class (BABY massage? Where’s MY massage?). But not one piece of paper about ME. I rifled through my hospital bag after we got home desperately looking for something, ANYTHING, to explain just what was going on “down there”. But nothing. Not even a microscopic legal disclaimer saying: Psst, due to the use of forceps you may have sustained an injury to your pelvic floor. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.
At the six week follow-up with my gynecologist, I was looking for the BIG EXPLANATION but all I got was “You’re fine. Everything will heal in time.” In time? Like what kind of time? Seconds? Days? Months? This millennium? When? No answers came from the clammed-up doctor. In hindsight, I wish I had taken some forceps to his prostate!
Not even the moms wanted to talk about stuff “down there”. In my mother’s group it was all about the babies. I do remember one day we were having coffee and someone opened up about a broken tail bone and someone else complained about painful sex. It felt like we were having an illegal conversation, as if at any moment we would be arrested by the Motherhood-Is-Pure-Bliss-And-Don’t-You-Dare-Think-Otherwise Police. Someone finally said, “We should write the X-rated version of Motherhood!” We all had a good laugh and that was it. The moment was gone. Vanished. Back to talking about our babies!
But, but, but…..I still don’t feel right “down there”? Googling at 3am between breastfeeds was frustrating to say the least. I didn’t even know WHAT words to search: down there, postpartum, body after baby? And all that ever seemed to pop up was ANOTHER photo of some movie star’s perfect body out jogging two seconds after delivering triplets!
Then one night, in the haze of exhaustion, squirming from sore boobs, I discovered the words PELVIC FLOOR. What the hell’s that? New linoleum? Fancy tiles? And so began my journey. Over the years, I’ve uncovered a ton of important stuff about moms and childbirth – stuff that for some reason, no one wants to talk about. It’s like the whole world took a secret oath: Don’t mention ‘pelvic floor’ to moms. Frankly, I think it would be easier to find Bin Laden then to find a doctor or physiotherapist to talk about my pelvic floor!
And so my journey continues as I try to take the “Omigod, don’t go there!” out of talking about a mom’s pelvic floor. And I’m determined that when (and if) my girls have babies, they’ll come home from the hospital with a piece of paper ABOUT THEM, about how to look after themselves “down there”. And if all that piece of paper says is “www.afterbabybody.com”, well at least that’s a start in the right direction.
Tags: childbirth, dyspareunia, incontinence, injuries, pelvic floor, prolapse
Congratulations Andrea on taking the “Omigod don’t go there!” Annie and I took the same journey last year when we first wrote Reclaim Sex After Birth and then built (and rebuilt!) the website to support the book.
What started off as a really simply site – grew and grew, the more we researched, the more we listened and the more veneer we sanded off that glossy motherhood image.
Like you, I was appalled at the amount of information available to women for what happens AFTER birth. I am grateful that I chose to have a homebirth with my son because, aside from the birth (which was fantastic, but also physically debilitating afterwards) I was locked in with a group of passionate, honest and generous women who shared what was going on with their bodies.
When we decided to write Reclaim last year – we decided to include a chapter on a woman’s body after birth – because researching painful sex, we started to understand that women really had no idea what their body would be like after birth and what that changed body would mean for their sex lives. From this followed on an article and a group chat session/email survey where I got women to TALK about their bodies after birth -what felt great, what felt awful, what was painful, what had changed and what hadn’t. That article was the course for all those Type A Mom articles.
I hope that in time women will understand that birth (while it is one of the most pivoutal points in a woman’s life and has impacts beyond comprehension) that there is a whole life afterwards that needs to be prepared for.
The educated experience never totally meets the lived experience – but knowing what to expect takes the shock factor out of it. I’d love ALL women to know about this stuff, for it to be included in antenatal education (along with breastfeeding). Or for women to TALK about it.
I congratulate you on what you are doing here and look forward to following the growth of your website in the coming months (because believe me it’s going to GROW!)
I see Jodi has already said much that I’d like to say but I just wanted to offer support and congratulations for starting this blog. Keep going Andrea! It is so important!
I’ve only starting blogging myself, but I’ve given both After Baby Body and Reclaim Sex After Childbirth a plug: After Baby Body Hope you both get lots of attention.
Hi Moms!
I am one of the few Physiotherapists in Toronto that has postgraduate training in assessment and treatment of Pelvic Floor disorders.– and guess what???? I am not busy at all. Where are the 1 in 4 women that need my services???? I know the doctors are not referring so Kudos to any proactive women that do their own research and find the solution that does not involve drugs or surgery —that’s right PELVIC FLOOR PHYSIOTHERAPY. Watch for my website soon and in the meantime I can be emailed at vickidawes@hotmail.com.
I can help you “take back control”